Conversations around who knew what, and should have said or done something, about Sean Combs’ heinous behavior are starting to sound a lot like a DMX track.
There was Misa, Kim, Lori, Miami.
Dawn, Mary, Naomi, and Tracee.
Despite Combs being surrounded by dozens of men for decades, when it comes to who should have spoken up, the names I’ve seen mentioned most often are overwhelmingly women. Much like Combs’ victims. That’s not a coincidence, it is by design. Maintained by centuries of socialization. For most girls and women, it starts early.
“Put some more clothes on.”
“Stay away from Uncle So-and-So.”
“Stop being fast.”
In a lawsuit Cassie Ventura filed in late 2023 she alleged Sean Combs subjected her to physical abuse, sex trafficking, sexual battery and a host of other emotionally, mentally and physically damaging behaviors. Source: CHRIS DELMAS / Getty
Many of us hear all of that before our seventh birthdays. The message was, and remains, clear. There are harmful men around you and it’s your job to prevent being harmed by them. If one of them does hurt you, then it’s because you didn’t cover up enough, you didn’t stay far enough away, you were being fast.
It’s your fault.
The reinforcements are everywhere. Schools police female students’ clothing, sending the message that their bodies innately attract unwanted attention and behavior. Churches and other institutions of faith do much of the same while covering for known abusers. Celebrities suggest that girls can avoid sexual assault by wearing longer skirts. Legislators declare that “legitimate rape” can’t result in pregnancy because a woman’s body would resist impregnation during rape. State supreme courts rule that perpetrators can’t be charged with felony rape if a victim voluntarily drinks alcohol before the assault. Attorneys tear victims apart on the stand to the extent that victims themselves appear to be on trial.
“What was she doing at that party?”
“Why were you alone with him?”
“What were you doing out so late?”
Sean Combs and Kimberly Porter (1970 – 2018) pose on the set of the ‘Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down’ music video in Apple Valley, California, 1996. Source: Nitro / Getty
The messaging is effective. We internalize it. We become children who don’t tell anyone what happened. We become adults who don’t disclose until we’re elderly, holding trauma for decades or taking it to the grave. We become people who blame other victims because if what happened to us is our fault, then surely, it’s their fault too.
We become people who ensure that other survivors will never come forward.
And that’s the point.
Victim blaming is about silencing victims.
By virtue of my professional experience and personal advocacy as a survivor of interpersonal violence, I know how pervasive the silence really is. I’m often privy to details about the world around me in ways other people are not. I know which deacon has raised those same “holy” hands against his wife. I know which school administrator has crossed boundaries with undergrads. I know which men on Facebook don’t understand or respect consent.
I also know what victims are up against if they come forward.
“Why didn’t you fight back?”
“Why did you go to his hotel room?”
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
Sean Combs and Misa Hylton attend Sean Combs 50th Birthday Bash presented by Ciroc Vodka on December 14, 2019 in Los Angeles, California. Source: Kevin Mazur / Getty
Yes, it’s very likely lots of women around Combs knew about his violent behavior. In part because so many women were victims of his abuse themselves. And I imagine they did what many of us do, warned others to the extent they could and steered clear of him as much as possible. Word likely spread through the kinds of conversations Black women have mastered using just our eyes and an “mmm hmm” when we need to say something we can’t actually say. But we can’t discuss who knew what without talking about who had the power to actually do something about it, who had the power to stay safe if they disclosed what they knew.
None of the women mentioned earlier had that power. Not even the wealthiest or most famous among them. Because contrary to what some folks believe, money and fame aren’t enough to shield women from abuse. Kelly Rowland highlighted this in her song “Dirty Laundry.” Pepa wrote about it in her book Let’s Talk About Pep. Celebrity also won’t shield women from being blamed and shamed for harm against them. We saw that when Robin Givens was accused of being a gold-digging liar when she disclosed that Mike Tyson had physically abused her. Many girls and women learned to fear the backlash Robin experienced.
Time and time again, Combs (for legal purposes, let’s apply “allegedly” to this entire paragraph) assaulted women in front of witnesses as far back as his days at Howard University in the late 80s. He threatened to see a Vibe editor “dead in the trunk of a car.” He punched Cassie in front of Jimmy Iovine and other celebrities. He bribed hotel employees to ensure their silence. He threatened to kill bandmates who tried to convince Cassie to leave. He blew up the car of a man who wanted to date Cassie.
It’s also very likely label heads knew. Executive producers knew. Studio honchos knew. Luxury hotel owners knew. What Cassie and the others knew is that no one was coming to save them.
It’s important to note the pattern with women who have come forward about Combs or were in relationships with him. They are overwhelmingly Black, female, much younger, were aspiring or early career artists when he met them, or women whose career success required them to interact with him. Much like R. Kelly. And also, like Kelly, the victim selection is intentional. In a white supremacist patriarchy, no group has less power than Black women.
Jennifer Lopez and Sean Puffy Combs backstage at the 42nd Annual Grammy Awards, February 23, 2000 in Los Angeles, California. Source: Bob Riha Jr / Getty
I’ve mostly been talking about girls and women here. In part because girls, women and femmes are disproportionately more likely to be victims of sexual assault and domestic violence. But boys and men are also greatly impacted by interpersonal violence.
We know now that Combs also allegedly abused boys and men. It’s likely many of them will never come forward. Because if girls are made to feel shame and blame because they didn’t stop harm against them, what do we think boys and men feel? The silencing of girls and women through victim blaming also serves to silence boys and men.
Everyone is harmed by victim blaming. Everyone is harmed by a culture that silences survivors.
