One cannot mention the iconic Ellen DeGeneres Show without acknowledging the presence and bright smile of Stephen “tWitch” Boss. The dancer, actor, and artist exuded an illuminating energy that radiated throughout the entertainment industry. He undoubtedly brought joy to his millions of social media followers through dance, inspiration, and by posting moments captured with his beautiful family. For this reason, the tragic news of his passing by suicide completion on December 13, 2022, was met with shock and confusion for so many.
Boss was widely celebrated for his infectious spirit that inspired countless individuals. But beyond the surface of family photos on Instagram and viral TikTok dances was a hidden reality shared by many Black men; the feeling of immense pressure to suppress pain and avoid being perceived as a burden. The internal struggle to remain strong for the family and community often leads to silently carrying emotional weight while outwardly uplifting others. His death sparked essential conversations about mental health, suicide, and the lasting impact of sudden loss on families. Many expressed profound sympathies for his widow, Allison Holker, and their two young children, who were tasked with facing the complex journey of navigating grief intertwined with stigma and unanswered questions.
Recently, the internet has been in a frenzy over controversial revelations by Holker. In an interview with PEOPLE magazine, in promotion of her upcoming book, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light, she recounted discovering shoeboxes containing substances while selecting an outfit for Boss’s funeral. She described the discovery as “scary and alarming,” admitting that she had to search online to identify some of the items. Holker further expressed that while the moment was triggering, it helped her process the reality of his struggles and his attempts to cope.
Additionally, she disclosed that Boss had written deeply personal journal entries revealing experiences of sexual abuse, among other challenges, excerpts of which she plans to include in her book. These revelations have sparked intense debate, with some praising Holker’s vulnerability for breaking stigmas surrounding mental health and addiction. In contrast, others argue that exposing such private details feels unnecessary and exploitative. Critics contend that these disclosures risk tarnishing Boss’s legacy and amplifying grief for his loved ones.
The strong response from social media that we are witnessing highlights the intersections of mental health, race/gender, stigma, and shame. For generations, Black men have been burdened with the expectation to embody strength and resilience, often at the expense of their emotional well-being. This unyielding societal pressure, coupled with a historical mistrust of healthcare institutions, leaves many Black men navigating their struggles in silence, self-medicating or compartmentalizing their pain. Some would argue that presenting happily on social media, a contradiction of the internal experience (e.g., depression), was a defense mechanism or a means of survival. As a White woman, Holker likely does not fully comprehend the nuances of these intersecting challenges. While her intentions may stem from a place of healing, publicly sharing such intimate details about the painful experience of a Black man from the lens and worldview of a White woman risks creating a narrative that unintentionally distorts his experiences and oversimplifies the complex weight of pain and emotional turmoil that he carried.
In addition, sharing excerpts from his personal journal adds another layer of possible harm to an already delicate situation. Journaling is a sacred act; it is a therapeutic method that allows an individual to document their innermost thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or exposure. Bodies of research provide evidence that journaling is effective in emotional processing and healing from trauma. In many ways, it is the equivalent to participating in an intense therapy session. To publicly share such deeply personal reflections, particularly after his passing, feels like an invasion of a space meant only for his own healing.
Those entries likely held the raw, unfiltered truth of his struggles and thoughts that he may not have been ready to share, even with those closest to him. By revealing these words to the world, the safety and confidentiality of this process are aggressively stripped, leaving behind a sense of vulnerability that he sought to shield himself from in life. For his family, and particularly his children, these revelations may amplify their grief, complicating their healing by forcing them to grapple with a side of their father he may have intended to keep private.
This was the message that his mother, Connie Boss Alexander, shared following Holker’s PEOPLE cover story. “Our family is absolutely appalled by the misleading and hurtful claims made about my son, Stephen Boss. The recent publications spreading untruths about Stephen have crossed every line of decency,” she wrote on Instagram. “As his mother, I will not let these accusations go unanswered. We will not stand by while his name and legacy are tarnished.”
She added, “He doesn’t deserve this, and the kids don’t deserve this.”
While the shoebox found in Boss’s closet symbolizes the hidden burdens that Black men often carry, it also represents a broader cultural practice in many Black families, which is the unspoken rule of “What’s said in this house stays in the house.” This well-meaning approach, rooted in protectionism, or the desire to protect and uphold dignity, frequently leads to silence around trauma and mental health challenges. Unfortunately, this silence can hinder meaningful healing and perpetuate cycles of unresolved trauma that can become transgenerational. As a community, we must strive to find a balance between safeguarding our privacy and embracing transparency. Addressing these struggles doesn’t require revealing every personal detail, but instead, creating spaces within families and communities where vulnerability is met with compassion, not criticism.
Fostering intentional storytelling is essential in navigating conversations about mental health, grief, and trauma. This form of productive sharing focuses on one’s own journey and growth, promoting understanding and connection, while avoiding the exploitation of others’ pain. Revealing private struggles, particularly without consent, risks undermining trust and dignity. To honor Stephen “tWitch” Boss’s legacy, discussions about mental health should center on raising awareness and encouraging healing in ways that respect the humanity of those impacted. By normalizing these conversations and ensuring they are culturally sensitive, we can move beyond cycles of secrecy toward collective support and empowerment. Intentional dialogue rooted in empathy allows us to protect one another not through silence but through shared understanding and solidarity.
