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#RelationshipGoals

Source: #RelationshipGoals / iOne Digital

continued from last week.

I was on the phone listening to Shanice tell me about something she decided to start practicing in her relationships called radical honesty. I was also really irritated because it felt like my confronting Shanice became her teaching me a lesson. How dare she?

“Danielle, I’ll admit, maybe I shouldn’t have gone out with him before actually clearing it with you, but why would you tell him those things about me?” Shanice asked.

“Those things” she was referring to were me telling Roman information about Shanice’s previous relationship and that she didn’t believe in God, all of which Roman took back to Shanice and she confronted me about it.

“Listen Shanice, my main concern was making sure that y’all both were as hurt as I felt by y’all,” I admitted to her.

“I’m glad you’re honest about that, but mission accomplished Danielle. Jesus, you made us both feel like shit. Roman feels awful,” Shanice said.

I was so irritated. I didn’t need her telling me what Roman feels. I know what Roman feels. And why is she even still talking to him? I wondered all of this in my head as Shanice went on and on expressing her feelings.

“To be honest, when you said you and him were just friends at the party, I figured it was fine. But I asked, just in case,” Shanice said.

“And I told you I didn’t like that. But you had also already gone out, so…” I offered.

“You just needed to be clear initially when I asked,” Shanice said. “Honesty is everything and if it was something you had been all the way honest about maybe we could have avoided all this.”

I felt so silly on the other end of that phone call. While she had a point, it seemed like she was hell-bent on making herself out to be faultless. Shanice continued to tell me how she adopted the policy of radical honesty in her life and how it’s restored friendships that were once over based on things neither she nor her friends remembered or things that didn’t even matter anymore.

“I realized that I wasted so many years being upset with people I considered friends because we stopped speaking over something so insignificant it didn’t matter in the long run,” Shanice said. She explained that she had made up with three different friends by approaching them and apologizing for her role in their “break up” and moving forward with radical honesty in their relationship.

“Did you invite Roman to your party as a prospect? You said you hooked up once, but anything else after that?” Shanice asked.

“We’re close,” I offered.

“Really?” She had the nerve to ask me.

“I didn’t invite him to my party as my man. We hooked up once when we first met and nothing else after that, but we hang out and talk.” I was so irritated by her radical honesty. But her questions were seeking clarity and the intention wasn’t to hurt my feelings. But Lordt, I was over it.

“Damn. Ok, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that,” Shanice said.

I thought it was strange that she felt bad after learning such a small extra detail. Roman friend-zoning me wasn’t the first time I was friend-zoned, but he and a friend of mine attempting to date each other was a first and I hated it here.

“If I am doing this whole honesty thing, I may as well be honest with you and let you know he’s just hot. I do hate to say it, but he tries to have dept but he doesn’t have any,” Shanice said.

The first time I tried to tell Roman she doesn’t think he’s smart, he told me he wasn’t concerned with anything bad that Shanice said about him. “I told you it wasn’t like that!” he said to me. He also said, “I’m interested in someone else.”

The truth is I told Shanice and Roman I was upset with the situation mostly because Roman was giving her the time he wasn’t giving me. I texted Roman while I was on the phone listening to Shanice go on about radical honesty. “You’ve never asked me out Roman. Every time we hang out, it’s me who plans it. In the 5 years that we’ve known each other, it’s always me who is asking.”

It helped that I was talking to both of them about the same exact thing. “You know what, Shanice? It hurts me because it’s more than the fact that Roman and I aren’t dating. But damn, even in friendship, I’m like, he just met you and he’s asking you to hang out. We’ve been friends for years and I’m always the one asking him to hang.”

“If you had been honest with him from the start and he was honest with you, both of you could have saved yourself all of this. But honestly, Danielle, you can’t really control who anyone dates, even your friends that you’ve liked before,” Shanice said.

“I hear you. And you’re right. But the fact remains that I rather you and Roman not hang out anymore,” I said.

“Well, if I am going to be honest with you since I am just getting out of my last relationship and just having fun, he’s fun. And I enjoy hanging out with him,” Shanice said.

“So you’re not going to stop hanging out with him?” I asked.

“No. I am dating a lot of people and nothing is serious. It’s not like I am seeing him every day or even dating him seriously. He told me he likes someone else,” Shanice said.

Therein lied more of my frustration. She claimed that our friendship meant more to her than anything with Roman, but there she was telling me that she would continue to hang out with him and have fun with him, something light and casual.

Shanice’s radical honesty had nothing to do with my feelings or whether or not some common ground was met between us. Roman must have also been hitting her up in real time as well because Shanice stops and goes, “Really Danielle?”

“Dammit Roman!” I thought to myself.

“I was so glad to be talking with you and getting it all out there, but now I’m all thrown off that you hit Roman up literally as we’re talking. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to navigate this situation because our relationship is important to me, but at this point, I don’t feel great about it. I told Roman it’s better than he and I not talk anymore. I don’t want to be in the middle of anything here,” she said.

My initial reaction to her radical and painful honesty was to reject it. My feelings were hurt and when I’m hurt, I can’t take in any information. But I actually heard what she was saying. It made me reflect on all of my relationships and how much time could have been saved asking questions for clarity rather than creating a narrative in my head. Also, I’m still side-eyeing Roman because he can’t keep nothing to himself.

Shanice and I haven’t really spoken since then. I think radical honesty killed our friendship. Or maybe it was me and my attempts to kill her and Roman becoming a thing. Either way, radical honesty ain’t for everybody or every relationship; even though it should be.

How radically honest are you in your relationships?

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