Member-only story
XOXO
4 Nonnegotiables for Any Romantic Relationship
You deserve to have a partnership that satisfies you
At age seven, I was entirely too young to be singing along to Janet Jackson’s “What Have You Done for Me Lately,” but that didn’t stop me. The intro was a conversation between two friends in which one confides that her boyfriend stood her up again. As she tries to make excuses for him, the other says, “I know he used to do nice stuff for you. But what has he done for you lately?” I was rolling my neck and singing along like I had any idea what it meant or what it felt like to be in a relationship with someone who neglects you and doesn’t fulfill your needs. Unfortunately, as I grew older, I learned all too well how difficult it is to be happy when your partner isn’t giving you what you want.
Why do we settle for less? That’s the million-dollar question. There are several reasons, but I think the most common can be attributed to some form of internalized misogyny. Hear me out — so much of what women expect and accept in relationships is directly tied to how we feel about ourselves, our worth, and what we believe are our roles and responsibilities as women. And how we feel is heavily influenced by how we were raised and socialized to negatively think about ourselves as women. Any gendered expectations within relationships is related to sexism, full stop, even when you think you’re fully comfortable assuming certain “gender roles.” It’s hard to accept how deeply ingrained sexism is into our psyche, but it definitely shows up in intimate relationships.
There are certain things you should look for in a partner that affirmatively engage your wants and deeply satisfy your needs. You should feel no shame in setting the bar high and having standards when it comes to finding people with whom you want to share your life and time; the bar has been on the floor for too many of us and for entirely too long. Here are some things you should look for in any person you’re dating and looking to build a strong connection with.
