By Aaron Allen
The Seattle Medium
The COVID-19 has turned our world upside down. The aftermath since its introduction has placed the mood of humanity in a constant state of anxiety. The one demographic affected the most by the pandemic are single parents sharing custody of their children. How are they coping with disruption of the lives of their children? What safety precautions are they taking as their children commute from one parent’s house to other? How are they handling homeschooling as classes transition from hands-on instructions to online classes?
A small group of parents decided to share their experiences, emotions and perspective in regards to how, as a parent, they are coping with the virus and how it is affecting their children.
Sherrell Maxie, a mother of three, says that parenting in general during the COVID-19 crisis is challenging, but coordinating schedules, responsibilities, and the overall safety of her kids with another parent who lives in a different household can be very hard to navigate.
“It is very difficult,” says Maxie. “Due to the lockdown childcare services are no longer available, but working from home equalizes it a bit but it is still quite a challenge to maintain work and to make sure the kids are properly looked after in the course of the day.”
“As a family, although my children’s father and I are no longer together, we are doing everything we can to follow protocol regarding keeping our children safe,” continues Maxie. “In each home we provide the necessary sanitizing products and masks and make sure that the children wash their hands regularly.”
While things might be going well for Maxie, it is important to note that not all experiences of co-parenting are positive and it can be difficult for some parents as they work through the daily challenges of parenting alone, and, in some cases, hoping that the pandemic would inspire the other parent to have more involvement in the life of their child.
Christine Young, who has an elementary school age daughter, says the pandemic has not changed the distant relationship that the father has with her and/or her daughter, but that has not deterred her from doing all the she can to help her daughter be successful.
“As a parent this situation has taken a grip on my life,” says Young. “With school out, now we have to stop our job and teach them, which is no problem, but it is hard.”
“As co-parents, I have full custody and sometimes the father’s presence is far and few, but COVID-19 has not changed the dynamics of our relationship,” she continued. “So, at the moment it is just me so with the virus. It is a little bit harder.”
While navigating relationships and custody of children can be challenging, some parents have been able to work together and help relieve some of the stress associated with managing a household under the COVID-19 pandemic.
DT Trinide, a father of two, says that the pandemic has not only brought challenges, but it has also given him and his family an opportunity to bond in positive ways.
“Since the COVID-19 started I have been able to work from home,” says Trinide. “My kid’s mother is the custodial parent; however, her job requires her to be on-site as she is a doula. So, I work two to three days a week from her house and help our kids with online schooling while she does her mandatory home visits to her clients.”
According to Trinide, being at home with his kids during the day has also enlightened him about necessity of having a balanced daytime schedule for his children. For example, he realized that although his children are home and are participating in online classes, it is important that the children still have “recess.” So, two to three times a day he gives them a break and allows them to do activities like taking a walk, or playing outside to break the monotony of school work and to help keep them engaged Although these activities can take them outside the safe confines of their house, Trinide makes sure that everyone is following good hygiene and safety protocols.
“The biggest thing that comes to mind initially is making sure that we are physically safe from the virus,” says Trinide. “Making sure that sanitation wise everyone is washing their hands after we come in from outside, making sure we take off our shoes at the door, we are using hand sanitizer, Lysol and making sure we clean everything.”
Dr. Ben Johnson, a clinical psychologist based in Renton, says that when it comes to co-parenting it is important for both parents to help each other navigate the stress that comes with managing life during the COVID-19 crisis in order to create the best possible environment for their children.
“Co-parenting means both parents are involved in making decisions and setting up the environment for their children, making arrangements for them to be happy and adjusted children,” says Dr. Johnson. “If it involves two parents who are not together the first thing would be to focus on taking care of themselves and redefining, in this critical time, their relationship so that it can be a shared responsibility without a lot of discord.”
Dr. Johnson offers several anecdotes that can aid parents as they endure and cope with the changes that the COVID-19 has brought on their lives. The first thing parents should do, according to Johnson, is make an accord, or an agreement that helps parents to focus on what is important, with each other.
“An accord is basically an agreement that they will keep the focus on taking care of their child or children and how they will share the responsibility to do that,” says Johnson.
“The second is keeping the focus on what is important, because if you are co-parenting this allows you to be on the same page,” Johnson continued. “It is incumbent upon the parents to develop skills in responding to things as opposed to reacting to things. Reacting is dealing with things from an emotional perspective and responding is dealing with things from logical point of view. By responding with logic it helps people from becoming overwhelmed.”
Parenting in itself is not an easy job especially during times of duress. But during these times it is important for parents to be adaptive and flexible for the well-being of their children. Looking at life from an optimistic and positive mindset, responding, not reacting can go a long way in providing a safe environment for one’s family.
Trinide agrees and says that he and his fiancé work cohesively to provide the best means to keep a sense of normalcy in the lives of the children during this pandemic.
“I win because I get to see my kids more, the kids win from getting more quality time with me and my kids mother wins from me sharing some of the day-to-day parenting responsibilities,” says Trinide.“The quarantine surprisingly has help me be more present and communicate better with [my] co-parent for the sanity and emotional security of our children.”
